A couple of weeks had passed since I hit the enter key that sent a small piece of my big to her inbox. I’m sure my application to guest post was just one of many. The longer I waited the more I realize how much I wanted to see my words on her blog site. I caught myself daydreaming about all the possibilities if she would just say yes.
Maybe I would be ‘discovered’. Then requests would just flood in. Requests to write, speak, and share. I could become a well-known women’s ministry leader. The more I daydreamed, the more I got my hopes up.
Then I saw others begin to post that they had gotten their yes. One after another. There were Facebook posts, Instagram pictures, and even a text from a good friend. Yet mine never came.
Finally, one morning I checked my email to find my answer, a no.
I had spent so much time thinking about and planning for my newfound fame, I didn’t prepare myself for the letdown of her saying no to my words.
I spent a couple of days moping around until my friend sat me down. She carefully asked me why this meant so much to me. My first reply was, “I want to share Jesus.”
“I know you did. You’ve read her blog for years and you know her discernment. So the writing she chose will show Jesus, right?”
“So I want you to really think about the driving motive for you.”
I didn’t answer her cause I didn’t want to admit the truth out loud.
When I first started writing, my heart just wanted to share Jesus with anyone, even if it was just one. Then I got caught up in the whole social-media-build-your-platform-community-tribe or whatever the current buzzword might be. I start focusing on me. On my words. On my message. On my numbers and how to grow bigger.
I had become the one Paul talked about in Philippians 1:15-18.
“Some indeed preach Christ even from envy and strife, and some also from good will: The former preach Christ from selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction to my chains; but the latter out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice.”
My own selfish ambitions had blinded me. It isn’t necessarily bad to be ambitious, if that leads you to wanting to be the best you can be for God.
However, when we begin to believe another person’s success equals your failure then it’s time to take a look at what success looks like through God’s eyes.
Today: Read Philippians 1:15-20